New Year's Resolution

So... This blog is written at a suitably silly time in the morning, while I'm suitably dosed up on sleeping pills, and only have 20 mins to write this before they render me completely unconscious!

Anyway...

Why do people make new year's resolutions? Apparently, a new year means a new start, and all that razz... For my 18 year old brother, it was to give up smoking. My 12 year old brother was to do more homework. Mum was to give up alcohol. And dad was to start dieting.

Nearly two months into the new year, 18 year old bro smokes just as much, mum still fixes up a fair few drinks every night, and dad still stuffs his face with crisps and other junk food. It's only the 12 year old bro that has stuck to his resolution.

Me? Well, for years I've made new year's 'wishes' instead. You can call it laziness or general avoidance for dedicating myself to change, but to be honest, up until 23rd December 2011, I never thought there were ways I could improve appearance-wise, or even habits-wise. My self-esteem falters on occasion like any girl but I think I'm pretty; averagely pretty, but pretty none-the-less. I'm not over-weight, I take regular walks around my student village and I watch what I eat, so I don't need to diet or exercise. I don't smoke, do drugs, and very rarely drink. And the only things that I'd want to change physically I'd have to opt for cosmetic surgery! But you know what... By the end of 2011, and the start of 2012, I was pretty okay with myself. I didn't think there was anything to change physically.

But then I realised: There's that word again. Physically. Perhaps I had an overall acceptance of myself physically (okay, my boobs are tiny and I wobble in places I'd rather not wobble - and yes, I have a bit of a pot-belly! But I'm okay with all of this.) but I never realised... Maybe there was something I could change, but maybe attitude-wise, or behaviour-wise.

So, as I said, 23rd December 2011 - I'd already decided on my resolution. And I put it into motion straight away, granted it took a few days for me to be able to get adjusted; and on new year's, instead I made the resolution to stick to my resolution! It's pretty clever when you think about it; too often, too many people depend on new year's day to decide that THIS is the time for change. And then when it finally arrives, the resolution is already as good as broken. A new year doesn't always mean a new you; a new year doesn't always mean a good change. This is why I started early.

"But Beth," You might ask, "Pray tell, what is your resolution??" Because it's all well and good that I say I put it into motion before new year's, and still going on with it now. It's been the most successful resolution I've ever made. It certainly is a desirable resolution, though, and I'm really surprised that it's worked so well, since I've never been able to control this before. But what exactly is it?

I often hold back from revealing new year's wishes or new year's resolutions for fears it would break the value; I've never been superstitious, but perhaps in some way I'm worried of jinxing it if I tell anyone. If more people know about it, more people will keep track. More people will be on my back (I'm a poet and didn't know it, huuurrr!), and that was really something I didn't want - I wanted to handle it myself, without people saying "So Beth, how's the resolution going??". But I confided in my dad -who, bless him, he's still trying to resist crisps- and he said it was "a fantastic resolution". Which was music to my ears, since dad doesn't always have a positive approach towards resolutions.

"BETH!" I hear you cry "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST SAY IT!". Obviously you're very keen. ;P But it's not actually worth the build-up. Basically, my resolution is this:

To be a better 'me'.

My definition of this: Care-free. Easy-going. Not to let things bother me as much as they used to. To understand that there is more to things below the surface (not in regards to people; I study people as part of my degree! I know there's more beneath the surface!).

And this sounds a bit topsy-turvy, but I've also decided to view things in a 'glass half empty' approach. Stick with me on this: I've now decided that, in certain situations (emphasis on CERTAIN), I will expect the worst-case scenario. For instance, if I'm saving up for something in particular that I really need (my new netbook for instance!), I will EXPECT that by the time I have enough money for it, it will no longer be in stock; for me, this would be the worst-case scenario - and also known as the infamous Murphy's Law! But by expecting the worst-case scenario, it holds back from too much disappointment when and if it actually happens, since that was what I predicted ("Ohh I knew that was going to happen!") - but if it just so happens to remain in stock, I can feel a sense of euphoria, I suppose, in the fact that I was pleasantly wrong ("Wow, I feel so lucky that I was able to get it!"). So, can you see how I can take a negative situation, and instead, try to gain as much positivity -or at least reduce the disappointment/frustration from the negativity- from it instead? It's a healthy approach! Try it yourself! :)

Anyway, since my tablets are FINALLY kicking in (*glances at box* YOU SAID 20 MINS!!), I'm going to call this a day. But just wanted to try and give you all a little comfort and a little insight. Stop bringing yourselves down if things go wrong. And don't worry about hitting rock bottom - because rock bottom is a solid ground, and the only way to go from there, is up...

(*cue vomming of soppiness of proverb!*)

Never wait for a moment like new year's day to make a change that you NEED to make, be it for physical or mental health, or simply kicking a bad habit. If it's a desired change, MAKE the change. BE the change. Go out into the world and seize what you want and what makes you happy, before you lose it!

But remember, it doesn't hurt to take the pessimistic approach every once in a while. If you expect the worst-case scenario, you can prepare for the worst-case scenario and this will then 'lessen the blow', and then you can be pleasantly surprised if actually the best-case scenario happens instead! If you expect the best-case scenario, however, you'll be sourly disappointed if it doesn't go that way.

Even in my sleepy state, you know I'm talking some kinda sense. ;P

And as a heads-up:

Don't waste your time making new year's wishes - they hardly ever come true!

100 Facts About Me

About a year ago, one of my Psychology friends got me to write up a list of 100 facts about me. I'm not really sure why that is; she never gave me a reason. I went to re-read it, and it's amazing how much has changed in a year (well, since 12th April 2010, to be exact).
So, even though this aforementioned friend no longer uses Blogger (or maybe she does?...), I decided to update it. From what I remember, it is extremely challenging to sit down and have a really good look at yourself. But sometimes, I suppose, it can be really rewarding, no?

Anywho... Let's begin... *deep breath*

1. As most of my closest friends know, I have quite the fixation with vanilla milkshakes. OMNOM.
2. My ear piercings are reflective of video game characters - three right lobe piercings and two left lobes and a helix. Yes I'm a geek. I DON'T CARE. :D
   
3. Feathered earrings = YES.
4. I have unusual allergies including nickel, certain types of plasters and soaps, most spot creams, and my own cat.
5. I can't go a day without communicating to someone in some way. Text, msn, whatever.
6. I have a habit of biting my lips. Or someone else's when I'm in a relationship! ;0
   
7. I had glue ear when I was born. It's basically when fluid doesn't drain from your ears naturally, or something. When I was little, because I couldn't fully understand/listen to words, I had my own little language. :P
8. My favourite sandwich filler is salami, lettuce and mayo. Though I also like chicken mayo, tuna mayo, BLTs, cheese, and chicken and bacon. I'm hungry now. :( ...
9. I like to rock out to my iPod when alone in my room. Admit it, you've done it too. ;P
10. I think my best features are my eyes...
11. ...And my worst features are my nose, teeth and also, my breasts! Verr personal, I know.
    
12. I don't have an issue with my height. Yes, I'm small, so what? :P It apparently makes me 'cute'...
    
13. I've only ever been in love once in my life.
    
14. I am a hopeless romantic!
15. I have an interest in zodiacs - but not so much that I believe in them. :')
16. I barely have any summer-esque clothes to wear. That means that whenever it's painfully hot, I'm pretty much screwed!
17. I have a couple of phobias. But I'm not talking about those here.
18. I love photographs. Every time I look at one I'm instantly catapulted into that time and that place. I like to look at old photographs too. There are one or two of me with a bottle of tea in my mouth, sitting in a box wearing my dad's Doc Martin's. I was a cool little child. :P
19. I have two younger brothers. I kinda wished I had a sister...
20. ... Though to be fair, as I am often older than my friends, I play a 'big sister' role to them all anyway. :P
21. Insanely addicted to music. I can't go out for a walk that's more than 10 mins long without my iPod to keep me company. :P
22. While I do love to wear red clothes, it's a common misconception that that is my favourite colour!
23. I know that sometimes I may be seen as two-faced. This isn't true; it's simply that I want to appear pleasing to both sides of the argument. I'm one of those 'sitting-on-the-fence' types.
24. Following on from that point is my reason for sitting on the fence/appearing pleasing to both sides - I hate conflicts. Of any kind. So I often strive to find a 'middle-ground'.
    
25. My favourite type of cuisine is Italian. Margarita pizzas, while very plain and simple, are the way to go; although carbonara? = OMNOM.
26. My only surviving grandparent is my nana. My dad's mum. People outside my family tell me off for calling her nana/nan. I don't care if it's common! That's my name for her! And she's lovely, and a little eccentric; she's one of the few people who are smaller than me. :')
27. What are my weaknesses? Well, other than the aforementioned VANILLA <3 and feathered earrings, I also have a weakness for Takeshi's Castle, McFlurries (at ridiculous times of the morning), Final Fantasy, Apple Dolls, oriental artwork, cats, huskies, anything with studs, The Sims, anything relating to Mickey Mouse, and necklaces.
    
28. My biggest annoyance is when people interrupt. Either when they interrupt me, or someone else, and I happen to be there. If you do it to me, you will bloody well know about it!
29. I fear change, and yet I hate being stuck in the same routines...
    
30. I love the feeling of falling asleep in someone's arms. ^-^
31. My biggest dream is to be a therapist. I'll hopefully know what kind of therapist once I've left university.
32. My second biggest dream is to be the wife of a good man. In fairness, I've already 'assigned' myself to one of my best friends in case neither of us are married within the next 10 years. :P
33. The ideal 'best day out' for me would be a sunny day at Heaton Park with friends, staying there til evening playing football and eating ice-cream. Ahh, nostalgia.. <3
34. I hate dimples. I get them when I smile. EUGH.
35. I also hate feet. EUGH.
36. I have a tendency to day-dream. A lot.
37. When I'm bored, I look at this website: http://comixed.memebase.com/ .....Or, I watch various episodes of 'How It Should Have Ended' : http://www.youtube.com/user/HISHEdotcom
38. I have a bit of a belief in guardians. Or guardian angels, more specifically.
39. I'm either really early to meet up with someone, or really late. It's more likely to be the latter. ;(
40. I have mixed views on what happens after life. There is still a part of me that feels concerned it'll go something like The Matrix. :') .... o.0 ....
41. I've had the implant in for almost a year now. I didn't get it for the reason you might think. :')
42. I'm terribly squeamish - someone shows me a horrendous injury, I'm likely to be knocked sick! However, if the injuries are my own, I show them to others to watch *them* squirm. :')
43. I'm a bit of a sadist... On video games! In reality I couldn't bring myself to hurt a fly!
    
44. I have an acoustic guitar I bought when I was 13. That was nearly seven years ago, and I still don't know how to play it. :')
45. Weakness in guys? Tallness - although, how can that be difficult to find for someone at my height? :P I also like broad shoulders ("something to hold on to" ;) ... :0!), and cologne. Yeah, he's gotta smell good!
    
46. Yes: I worry. A LOT. Often about very trivial things.
47. I love looking after/protecting people, but I also like when someone does the same with me. ^.^
    
48. I can sing along to some Japanese songs. I also know some German, Vietnamese, and a couple of Korean. Though I couldn't possibly tell you what half of the lyrics mean. :')
49. I spent the last three years studying a subject I've grown to hate...
50. My hands are almost always cold. But you know what they say: "Cold hands, warm heart"! ^.^ <3
51. Hygiene is a quirk I have; where my hygiene is concerned, anyway. I often shower every other day.
52. Bed-hair = story of my life.
53. I have a 'role' for being a human dictionary. I get some kinda buzz/thrill from correcting some idiot's spelling on a post on Facebook. :')
    
54. I also correct peoples' grammar a lot, too.
55. Wearing lipstick makes me pout more. Without me actually realising! o.0
56. I used to go to dancing classes in primary school. They were bad. In fact, they were so bad, I don't remember any of the moves. :')
57. I also used to go to recorder classes in school. The only song I can (vaguely) remember how to play is 'Mary Had A Little Lamb' ... *sigh*
58. There is an incriminating video of me and my friends singing an S-Club song. Also at school. And when I say 'me and my friends', I mean I was like, the lead singer. Cringeee.
59. Would you like to know what kinda guys I tend to go for? Well I'll tell you: I adore shy guys, who have depth. The kind that have a thriving passion for something and not care what other people think of it. I also like to go for the 'misunderstood' boys; the kind that need taking care of. In a non-patronising way!
    
60. I wish I could play piano/bass guitar. :(
61. Following on from the previous point: I'd love to be in a band!
62. I'm never happy with myself. I suppose this is a generic girl thing to say, no?
63. My cooking skills are very sparse. I would not make a good housewife. :')
64. I love summer. I hate the heat.
65. I love summer evenings the most. Those evenings where you stay out and it's still light at 10pm. :)
66. I love looking up at the stars when then sky is clear. The best place I've seen stars so far is in Rawtenstall, where there's not much light pollution.
67. Aforementioned Rawtenstall is specifically my nan's house. I go up there for a few days when I need to clear my head and 'escape' the life I have at home. :P
68. I've never experienced chivalry, except a guy walking me home. I always pay for meals, I always arrange days out - I would make a good boyfriend. Except I'm not a boy. :')
    
69. I'm dirty-minded. LOL, this is #69. :')
70. Attention? HATE IT. Unless there's something I really need to say.
71. A sense of humour is really important to me. Especially as I tell terrible jokes!
72. I've stopped reading books since my glasses got stolen. :(
73. I used to be afraid of spiders. Until I was left home alone and there was a MAAHOOSIVE one in the bathroom. For some reason when I took it outside, I acted as nonchalant as anything!
74. I drew up a tattoo design a few years ago. One day, I will EVENTUALLY decide where it shall go... ;P
    
75. Please excuse me for subjecting myself to my stereotype - but I make damn good sandwiches!
76. I also make a good cup of tea. And coffee. And hot chocolate. According to my dad. :P
    
77. I say 'aaawkwarddd' in awkward situations to make them even more awkward.
78. I have a compulsion to say "Run Forrest, ruuunn!" whenever I see someone running. :')
79. Deafness is a common issue in my life. If you see me staring at your lips, it means that I either want to kiss you (ohhh yeahhh ;D), or that I'm reading them. Which is more likely. :')
80. Having said this, I always look people in the eye when I talk to them. Which obviously makes lip-reading difficult. :P So I have to actually force myself to look away from their eyes, if you can believe that!
81. I've never been to a prom or a ball. :(
82. Dancing and/or singing are not my strong points. And yet I do them anyway!
83. Heights don't bother me - for instance, I LOVE ferris wheels. But I do love to have someone there for me to 'cower' into. :')
84. I often get my hopes up on things that are more than likely to fall apart...
85. I hate walking around the house with nothing on my feet. The only times I don't like having things on my feet is when taking a bath/shower/going swimming (obvsss), and when I go to bed.
    
86. Family mean a great deal to me, though I'm apprehensive of having my own. No elaborations here...
87. I like eating obscure foods at obscure times. For instance - pizza or cake for breakfast; bowl of cereal for afters... The list goes on. :')
88. Another thing I do when I'm bored: I open the fridge, look inside for a bit, close the fridge and walk away. No idea why I do it!
89. When I'm home alone, I sing to myself and do the washing up. Okay, to an extent, maybe I would make a good housewife. ;')
90. I LOVE HUGS. <3 But only with people who hug me back. Not people who give half-hearted hugs back. Come on, put some warmth into it!!
    
91. I feel boys should do the chasing. Though, since when did they ever do that??
    
92. Honestly, I will go out of my way to make someone happy.
93. I make a plethora of obscure noises when I see something that I think is cute.
94. I have one secret that not even the people who are closest to me know about...
95. Facebook has unfortunately become my social life-support. Half of the get-togethers and events I would never have known about had it not been for Facebook. Oh, and birthdays. :')
96. You hurt my baby brother, and I hurt you. 'Kay?
97. I'm very good with my money, unless there are birthdays/Christmas coming up. Then I kinda go OTT with it...
    
98. I want to see the Northern Lights before I die!
    
99. Like most people, I have made a lot of mistakes. And I will continue to make them throughout life. :P I just hope to make the kinda mistakes that will lead to the best decisions of my life!
100. Drawing is medicinal to me. It's useful for pent-up emotions. Such as frustration, anger, sadness... And yes, the picture below is one of my drawings. :P Hope you like it!:
     

Humans Are Creatures Too

Humans are so complicated, aren't they ?

They have so many feelings, emotions, thoughts and memories... These can make us behave like creatures. Like monsters. Right ?

Look at us compared to, I don't know - let's say cats !
Cats aren't actually aware of their own existence. This is true.
They only ever care about a warm, safe place to sleep, something good to eat, and to play and have fun. To be honest, this is all humans want, or need, themselves. It's a pity that we just have to complicate it...

Look at us. We worry when partners don't call back. We get angry when someone steals our thunder. We pity the misfortune of others. We cry when we are hurt.
Do cats do this ? No, they don't !
They're too busy sleeping/eating/having fun, etc.

They don't care about others, because they can't feel empathy.
They don't cry when they lose a partner, because they don't feel love.
They can't be scared of death because they don't know they're alive !

If only we spent less time harboring our feelings and eventually unleashing them on someone or something; making priorities out of people that only make you an option; turning your back on a good relationship over paranoia or jealousy...
Then we wouldn't have to live in fear of everything !

We are different from any other creature because we have these feelings and emotions.
As pointless and as frustrating as they are, they are what make us human.

One important thing to remember:
Don't ever make one person your everything.
Because if you ever lose them, you'll have nothing left...

Unlike cats. They only ever get upset when there's no food in their dish.

Eyes Wide Shut

I don't understand.

When I was a kid, my life was like a little garden path; it just went straight ahead of me. It was sunny, and was bordered with flowers. I wandered down this path for years.
As I grew older, this sunny garden path, bursting with life and energy for my future, has changed. At points, it no longer went straight ahead. There were often many forks and turns that I had to choose. Some of them went narrower and narrower, growing uglier or darker, until I got to a better pathway. Some of them seemed hopeful, seemed pretty, seemed full of life as I walked along it... But I would go further down it, and see nothing but darkness, the flowers dead, and no possible way to go back to where I used to be.

Life is full of these metaphoric pathways.

As I've gone along these paths, the flowers have been fading away, slowly. The sun is going behind the clouds. And at this point, I find I'm stood at a point in the pathway that looks hopelessly narrowed-down and enclosed. This path has been made for me, but not the way that I myself would have made it. The other side of it is shrouded by thick, heavy clouds. That is my future. It doesn't look full of promise, but I have no choice but to walk through it until I reach the end.

I have never been able to just 'go back' up the pathway, back to the little sunny one I was so happily accustomed to. I have had to choose, and make my decisions, and just keep going forward. Never backwards. Because we have no choice, do we ?

We choose, we follow, we keep walking forward. Because we have to.

What about you ? Do you see the end of your pathway ? Can you look straight down it and see sunny days, full of promise ?
Or can you sympathise with me; do you see what I see down my path ?

Either way, I don't know yet what my future holds. I can't see which way it is going to take me, whether it goes straight ahead or whether they will be many more forks and turns. Hence why I'm walking straight into it 'eyes wide closed'.

It scares me. But I have to keep walking it.
Because that's how life goes. And it's the same for you as it is for me.
Whether we like it or not !..